I’m possibly about to open a can of worms here, but given how obsessive people are about age gap romance options in the new Dragon Age, I can’t hold my tongue any longer. It’s fair to say that I have reason to take such issue with this nonsensical debate, for I’m someone currently in an age gap relationship. There are 33 years between my partner and me.

To some, that’s an unthinkable number. Questions about how our relationship works are many whenever strangers try to analyse it. Relationships are nuanced experiences, not easily defined or rigid in their development; although a universal experience, love takes many forms, not every one we personally relate to.

When it comes to romance in video games though, it’s much less multifaceted. This isn’t to say inclusivity isn’t important, but rather that the intricacies of the relationships the characters form aren’t nearly as impactful as the ones we form in real life. And I say this as someone who thinks about these characters as if they’re real people.

It’s odd then, that fans are getting hung up over the age of one of Dragon Age: The Veilguard’s companions. Emmrich is one of seven possible romantic avenues you can explore. What makes Emmrich stand out from the crowd beyond his distinguished demeanour, is the fact that he’s one of the older human companions of the group. Emphasis on human.

Compared to Solas, a character we were previously able to romance in Inquisition, Emmrich is but a mere child. Solas is an ancient elven god. He’s lived for centuries despite his youthful appearance. It’s this deceptive outward form that’s undoubtedly stopping people from seeing the ignorance they’re projecting when they talk of Emmrich’s romance option as problematic or weird. If Emmrich didn’t look his age, I wouldn’t be writing this feature. Fans also flabbergasted by this discourse have said as much. “Bc he loooooks old and that’s all that matters to people,” remarked @arenegademoofin.

Some fans have gone so far as to threaten to block any DA players who romance Emmrich with a “younger Rook”. “People are threatening to block EVERYONE who romance Emmrich with a younger rook,” posted Twitter user @ElfrootSmoker. But let’s be clear here, Rook isn’t a teenager, and thus a relationship with an individual who looks their age is far from a crime. Certainly, you can start arguing about undue influence, manipulation, etc, but such comments should be reserved for age gap partnerships that actually pose a problem.

We’re in control of Rook in this adventure. They can be as young or as old as you want (within the confines of character creation). Consequently, you can romance them with whoever you want. Yet, our freedom to choose, to create, is being stripped away as judgement is being bandied about like corked wine. If you don’t like the option, don’t pick it.

You could use that defence to call me out for airing the dirty laundry of the fandom’s debate, and the ring of truth would remain. I could feasibly ignore this discourse, for it doesn’t directly impact me. That said, as someone who’s faced the backlash of living in a real life age gap relationship, I can’t abide people infantilising characters – or people – in an attempt to strengthen their argument. As a society, we’re far too quick to see predatory behaviour in every age gap pairing, yet not every relationship is cause for alarm.

Rook isn’t some 19-year-old who hasn’t seen the world – how could they be and be in the position to save Thedas? They’re experienced; they’ve lived life. And above all else, they’re fictional. By all means highlight real issues with relationships built on a foundation of undue influence, but don’t target a game that is by its own definition, a fantastical adventure. Emmrich isn’t the problem, nor is his age. It seems that our inability to separate fiction from reality is what’s tainting our experience, and unfairly so.

Romance whoever you want in-game, but please don’t smear the names of others who take a different route, one that leads to the arms of an experienced necromancer. Not every older person dating someone younger is a creep. Problematic older individuals are out there – most of us have met one or two of them – but Emmrich’s character doesn’t necessarily reflect that. Maybe he’ll end up being a jerk, but I highly doubt it’ll be due to any age gap relationships with Rook.