Winning awards has become as easy as breathing for Meryl Streep, with the star’s reputation and standing having reached such a point that she becomes a contender by way of simply appearing on-screen.

With a record-setting 21 Academy Award nominations and three wins to her name, not to mention a pair of Baftas from 15 nods, a trio of Primetime Emmy victories, and nine Golden Globes, Streep will have been forced to build several extensions onto her trophy cabinet to the point it more closely resembles a trophy warehouse.

However, one of her first major prizes left the legendary actor feeling conflicted for reasons both personal and professional. Two years before she snagged her first Oscar in the ‘Best Supporting Actress’ category for Kramer vs. Kramer, Streep was named ‘Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited or Anthology Series or Movie’ for her performance in the powerful historical miniseries Holocaust.

The four-episode event drew strong ratings for its depiction of events building up to and unfolding during World War II, with Streep the standout performer among the ensemble cast. She was considered the front-runner for the Emmy, and the voters responded in kind by naming her the recipient. The only—and notable—downside was that she didn’t want it.

At the end of the day, actors get into the business not only to satisfy them creatively but to pay the bills. And yet, because Streep was open in admitting there was only one reason she signed on for Holocaust in the first place, she didn’t deem herself a worthy recipient when it was the paycheque that convinced her to accept the part.

“I did it for the money,” she said. “I needed it very badly, and I make no bones about that.” There’s absolutely no harm or shame in any actor acknowledging the lure of a hefty salary, but when it came to her performance gaining recognition, Streep couldn’t overcome the discord between the strength of her work and the reason she agreed to do it.

Beyond that, Holocaust was released at a troubling time in Streep’s personal life, too. The first episode premiered in April 1978, less than a month after her partner, John Cazale, had passed away from lung cancer at the age of only 42. For playing Inga Helms Weiss, Streep spent months on location in Australia and Germany, which kept her apart from Cazale during a time when his health was gradually worsening.

He’d been diagnosed with the disease that claimed his life the year prior, and it stands to reason Streep would have never taken on Holocaust had Cazale’s cancer been confirmed earlier. She was there by his side when he died, but the miniseries she took for the money stopped them from spending as much time together as they could, with her financially-motivated call creating conflict on multiple fronts.